i was in the hospital and it SUCKED!

I had something similar to an epileptic seizure last Weds evening, due to some sort of brain disorder I found out I have, where I get too much stress and eat bad enough my brain just quits, and a combination of meds including the anti depressant my endo doc prescribed me. Basically too much meds, drug interactions and stress landed me in the hospital from Weds night to Sunday afternoon. There are no neurological problems brain tumors etc, and everything turned out okay. I was taken off my anti depressant, so……I am having problems adjusting, ie withdrawl-im not a drug addict-i needed it to keep my hormones in balance, but I’m doing okay without it . I’m not allowed to be alone at home for a wek (grr) because I’m under supervised care just in case something goes wrong and I end up like I did Weds night, which I know is not gonna happen, I’m destressing and haven’t taken my medication in almost 2 weeks!!

I did leave last Sunday as an AMA, against medical advice, because all they wanted was more tests, and I was feeling okay enough to go home, and I am convinced I was right! I have been drinking my gatorade, protein drinks and fresh fruits and veggies for the last almost 48 hours and I’m feeling great, minus the horrible nausea, dizziness and fatigue that come and go without my meds. My mother in law is staying with me until Saturday! I have finally gotten my 3rd leg, its pink with hawaiian flowers I use on a bad endo day or when I need the extra assistance.

I however want to tell the greatest escapee from the hospital story though. When I signed myself out, I was at Raleigh General in Beckley and I was hungry, soo after I went to my parents showered cleaned up, I forgot to take off my hospital bracelets, so I’m going out to eat with my I’d bracelets, my oh so comfy hospital shorts my hubby brought, and my 3rd leg, I probably looked wonderful. At least I’m home, I pulled out of it, and fought to get unhooked and untethered from everything by sat night. I am thankful for the prayers, visits and cards, and of course the food! I appreciate it. Please keep praying I’m getting better and I’m gonna stay that way!

I had the greatest drs in the hospital,Dr Harvey, Dr D, and that stomach dr I can’t pronounce his name! And of course the day nurse asst Casey! He’s my dude! I really thank him for doing everything he could and helping unhook me from that IV…and other things, making sure myheart monitor was secured too. I however don’t give any thanks to Vix the night assistant I had til Sat morning, he always woke me up because my heart monitor came unhooked and wasn’t too nice about rehooking it or bringing me water at 2am! I liked my roommate Mrs Greer she and I had fun I hope she’s okay she got released sat night and maybe she had that barbeque she was talking about. No kudos to that old bat that woke me up at 3am sunday morning who hogged the tv and yelled about her liquid diet when she saw my not so appetizing breakfast, the oxygen mask she had to wear, the fact she couldn’t have her chew, and in general made me want to scream. I don’t give kudos to the nurses and vix who woke me up every 2 hours for blood draw and blood pressure check, I have the bruise on my left arm if you’d like to see. I thank Joe at J&J who found me and called the ambulance, the paramedics who were greatn I don’t remember everything but Paul said you made sure I was taken care of-including the head brace they stuck me in. Thanks to the E.R team at summersville, I heard my doc was great and sent me to beckley. I thank my mother in law for spending the week with me watching me sleep, making me eat, doing the laundry (I so appreciate it) and dishes. Finally I thank my parents for cacelling their miss trip to stay with me.

Super big thanks hugs and kisses go to to wonderful loving and supportive husband Paul who was there any chance he got made sure I got my clothes (yay no more hospital gown!) And listening to me rant about the guy down the hall, vix and the uncomfortable hospital bed. He’s my biggest reason I want to be healthy and not go through it again. I’m 25 and he’s 34, we’ve got a long and happy life together.

I hate hospitals…..and I pray I don’t ever have to go back!

speakethfreely

You don’t know me & you probably won’t want to…

I will tell you this much, my name is Beth, I am 25 years old, been married for 2 1/2 years and I have endometriosis. I play many parts, friend, actor, wife, helpmeet, daughter, sister, preachers wife and sometimes the sick one.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, most people don’t know the real Beth. I keep her hidden behind the smile, when asked “how are you feeling” its usually “good..” because I don’t want unsolicited medical advice. It seems like everyone and their cousin has tried some miracle drug, and I need to try it too! It seems like the more people know the less they want to spend time with me. I don’t count hours, I count energy levels, spoons (read the spoon theory) and periods in between work on the days I do happen to work, so I can get enough rest. I count time between medicine, my otc and prescription. I can’t go out and spend hours on my feet, or sitting long periods of time. I may have to cancel our shopping trip due to an unexpected bad day.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fighter not a complainer. Too many people have walked out of my life because they couldn’t handle the stress that comes with being friends with a sick person. One friend just walked out my life after 13 years citing reasons such as “your always complaining about your illness, your an obligation not a friend.” An ex boyfriend told me he couldn’t handle having a girlfriend that was sick-this was before I found out what I had. I’m not the first choice, who wants to hang out with someone who wants lunch but can’t eat, and stares at your food while your eating? I have to sit when the pain gets overwheming. People think endometriosis they think pms cramps, no big deal.

I am the exception to that statement. I am in pain 24/7, I am going through the depot lupron shot treatment, I have to plan what I eat because I could get sick from it. I fall on bad days, sometimes I cannot walk 5 steps to my bathroom. My husband has to support me sometimes getting up or sitting down. This is the reason people are afraid or don’t want to be my friend.

For those that are healthy, there is no magic treatment to cure me of this. I don’t have kids because I had a miscarriage relating to this and I’m not allowed to even think about getting pregnant. Don’t stare when you see me balancing on my husbands arm so I don’t fall. If I’m wearing a tank top in the winter its because of the side effects of the treatment. If I’m at your house and I don’t eat don’t feel bad, its a bad day and I can’t eat. If you see me please be polite and say hello, don’t stare I’m not a freak, I’m just trying to get from one day to the next.

I am a person besides my illness. I can play the victim card with the hand I was dealt but I’d rather not. Its more fun to pretend to be happy and not in pain so those that are healthy don’t catch on and give “the look” that only sick people know. I didn’t choose to be sick, so why act it? There are some days where endo is written all over my body, the days I have to force feed myself, force myself to get out of bed, allocate enough spoons to get things done. You may not realize how sick I am, unless you ask “what’s wrong” and I tell you. Feel free to walk away at this point I’m used to rejection.

Is it lonely? Sure, knowing my husband is the only one who gets it and even he sometimes gets fed up, it makes for an existence where I am grateful for facebook and butyoudontlooksick.com, so I can relish in the private hell I sometimes feel. Its because people cannot handle a sick person, its much more fun to be healthy. So I put on each of my parts and pretend that nothing is wrong. Most of the time it works, and that’s okay with me.

speakethfreely

So, your chronic…..now what?!

Two words that make people run faster than being shot at is “chronic illness” when it applies to a lot of people in different situations. I believe in the spoon theory, a great place to find it is at
It describes life with chronic illness a concept healthy people do not understand.

I admit it scares people when they find out your chronically ill and your not going to get better. I was diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis 2 1/2 years ago, and have lost most everyone who was not tolerant or willing to understand the limitations, health restrictions, diet, treatment, medications etc, that go along with it. I do not make a scene when going out in public if I have to sit down due to lower back pain, or take pain medications, or ask for assistance from my spouse when I’m not able to walk by myself.

However, those that are in good health and take the position that chronic illness is a crutch for sympathy will use every opportunity to belittle you and make you seem like a horrible person when in reality you can’t do nothing about it. I’ve been in that situation, even family can act like that. It is best to, realize you can’t change their attitudes, your not a bad person, so don’t go screaming at the heavens cursing because your sick.

Finding a good support group, online or in person is a step to locating people just like you, or in a similar situation. I myself have not used that resource, but I have other methods. Make friends with the right kind of people, what I mean by that are those willing to stand by you, support you in whatever way they can. I have a friend who is like a big sister, she also has endometriosis, and we support each other whenever we have a bad day. If your religious and belong to a church, ask for prayers, it will make you feel better knowing others are thinking about you. Don’t get discouraged on a bad day, this is difficult but write a list of positive things that have happened it will take your mind off of the pain or whatever else your dealing with. If your married and you have a supportive mate ask for help, pride can take a backseat when you need help.

If you have chronic illness it is not a death sentence but a time to get your life on track. I have made changes in the last year to better myself and health. Find a wonderful doctor, shop around until you find a good one that will listen to your problems, understand your concerns and is willing to go all the way in helping you achieve your health goals, which you should set. Chronic illness can be scary, but with the right friends and a good attitude it will make living with it so much easier.

speakethfreely

how to not be a friend

Here’s how not to be a friend.

1. Count the days and months someones been using your washer and dryer when you know they don’t have money for a laundromat trip, and they pay you back.

2. Go around exclaiming how your friend “wronged” you

3. Don’t support them in their time of need, really their gonna get along fine….don’t you think?!

4. Complain endlessly about the “drama” they’re causing you

5. Don’t listen ever, they’re just gonna complain to you about their “sufferings”

6. Use them when its convienent, and complain when they ask to spend time with you

7. Say how beautiful their friend is and how she uses money responsibly

8. Hide subtle hints about how you feel about them as “truth and facts” that are mean and vindictive

9. Make jabs about their weight because you believe your the “perfect” size, knowing your friend is on medication that causes weight gain

10. Never ever help, they don’t deserve it anyway

11. Flaunt your wealth

12. Make your friend realize your a queen and if they don’t treat them like a dog

13. Bitch and moan about things you offered to them as “conditional” based on your “terms” when orignally there were no terms

14. Act superior because you’ve got the money, they don’t and its because they “don’t follow biblical principles”

15. Explain you wanted the truth, eat it bitch, easy way to explain….and it works every time

16. Invite your friend over, but ignore them the entire time

17. Say your really “not a phone person” but spend hours with other friends

18. Make your parents feel worthless around your friend so you show how much better you are than them.

19. Don’t offer suggestions to help, offer suggestions because you want to feel like your the superior one

20. Make fun of them to their face, and behind their back

21. Pretend, pretend, pretend….
************************************

speakethfreely

Part of my Heart

I don’t have any kids. Let me rephrase that I don’t have any kids because I’m not able to conceive and carry to term right now. A piece of my heart still belongs to a 3 month old baby, still in the womb, who died suddenly and without any reason on January 27th 2010. I don’t have a house with kid stuff, the reason my laundry hamper is full is I was too sick the last 3 days to take care of it. I have a wonderful husband who has my heart, but a piece was taken when the Lord called Aleyah Faith home. I had only known I was pregnant for 4 days, and when asked what I wanted I said “a healthy baby.” We thought it was going to be a girl so we had named her already. That day still lives in my mind.

2:45pm-i had just dropped my husband off at work, and like always as soon as I got to our apartment I had to pee. That’s when I saw blood-just minor spotting normal in early pregnancy. Just to be safe I called my mom who at the time lived 4 hours away. She said keep checking if it gets worse call the doctor.

3:15pm-the bleeding only intensified along with severe pain. All I got was my doctors voicemail. My mom said get Paul (my hubby) from work and head to the hospital.

3:45pm-I get a room in the E.R they check, draw blood and want to do an ultrasound. They think its a miscarriage but they’re not sure.

5:00pm-still waiting, on that ultrasound they say I’m not pregnant (!) because of my endometriosis I got a late period.

5:30pm-they release me, without the ultrasound, I’m told that my hormone levels were at normal range, and to rest its just a severe period.
***
Friday morning-2 days later, I go to my ob/gyn who’s been treating me and my endometriosis for almost 4 years. After exam and symptom check, its true-my pregnancy test the Saturday before was right, I was indeed pregnant and from the way I looked (and felt) I was 3 months pregnant. My body couldn’t carry to term, I was too sick.

Now over a year later, even though she’s not with me, I still carry her memory. I may not read bedtime stories, stay up all night with a colicky baby, clean up endless times, but I’m still a mom, in spirit. My life now is an endless cycle of treatments to get me healthy. The one I had Wednesday-the shot left a huge bruise on my right hip.

The doctor I have now after moving a year ago to a different state isn’t optimistic at this point. After I go through this 3 month dose and the next if there is significant improvement we might can try. Its too risky right now, endometriosis has ravaged my female reproductive system and I’m 25.

We may adopt, or we may stay childless. No matter what we decided I’ll always have the memory of Aleyah Faith.

Speakethfreely

Little Bitty

Alrighty I wrote my sanitized blog…haha now I’m gonna write how I really feel.

I’m blue collar, NOT white trash like my. neighbor who pops pain pills has 3 kids and a parolee for a boyfriend. I used to be friends with her until her 3 year old daughter whom I babysat liked me better.

Blue collar means working with your hands, owning an old beater doesn’t matter truck car you name it, it means the excitement of our lives is going to the local restaurant and paying 20 bucks for a meal. We live on a budget and we live hand to mouth, paycheck to paycheck. But it’s alright. Like Alan Jackson said “its alright to be little bitty little old house in the big ol’ city, might as well share, might as well smile, life goes on for a litty bitty while. Same with his song “hard hat and a hammer” its our life and we love it. Truly I can say with pride “God bless the working man!”

My husband works in the office at a towing/auto body shop. He also lifts out motors, takes care of parts, estimates you name it. Official blue collar work. And where I come from its a honest days living. We don’t eat steak and caviar every night, we eat chicken breasts with barbeque sauce, packet of idaho potatoes and frozen corn..that’s a meal! Our back porch has a half of our sectional on it-there was no room in the house and we have a blanket over it you can’t tell its a couch. Our washer and dryer were $180 bucks at the Salvation Army, hubbys friend from work loaned us his truck and muscles to bring it home.

I get excited when I go to Goodwill and find me a pair of jeans for work. I mean this is my life and I love it. To you it may be beneath you, living the big city lifestyle. But I would take my home in rural America over a million dollar mansion with an endless credit limit and closet space the size of our bedroom anyday.

I love being blue collar in small town America! There are songs about it, its a wonderful way of life. I would love to be more financially secure but that’ll take time, and when we do we’ll be on top of the world. But for now we’re working on it and loving every minute of it.

Few more things I don’t even have cable and our car is 11 years old with over 160,000 miles

Maybe soon I’ll reveal a few more things about me

Speakethfreely

Scared

I’m scared. Nice way to start a blog right? I’m not afraid of monsters under the bed or the boogeyman (my ex boyfriend who haunts my dreams sometimes) I’m scared because I’m going off treatment. No more sample shot, they’re not allowed to give me anymore I passed the three months. My sliding scale hasn’t gone through yet and so I have another 6-8 weeks until I know if I am approved. If we had the money I could pay for my shot-dont have the money, at all.

I’m not done with my treatment yet, I’m still on my combination anti anxiety/anti depressant but what will my body go through? I mean I’m going through so much right now and I don’t think my bodys going to magically bounce back from everything. I was a week away from treatment and I can already tell its wearing off.

I have a pain scale 1-minimal to 10-extreme, and depending on the day and what I’ve done. I have endometriosis, rare, not deadly, stage 4, I have extensive cysts in all my reproductive organs, I have a cyst on my gallbladder, on my bladder. I swell up like a balloon with fluid, I can’t have sex sometimes because I hurt so much. My back hurts all the time, I sometimes have a shooting pain in my leg because of a cyst that sits right on a blood vessel. I had surgery 2 years ago, and its returned. The treatment was putting me into menopause, and I was hopeful in having a baby in a year.

I’m so scared I have no idea how this is going to affect me I already am in pain, I only went back to work because of the treatment. Now I’m back on restriction which means when I’m off work either bed or couch, no in between. I will have to rely, I’m so not addicted to painkillers, but Excedrin makes it so where I can work. I don’t know how I’m going to act whether its gonna affect my moods or my ability to attend church-im am severely anemic and immunodeficient, so sometimes I can’t get out of bed I’m so weak, and sick, and in pain.

My next option is major surgery, complete hysterectomy at 25, which means no kids. I was pregnant last year but I lost the baby due to my illness. We can adopt but I don’t know if I’m ready to lose so much including being a woman.

Just please keep me in your prayers. This is a tough time for me and my husband. Thanks

Speakethfreely

Not Cut Out For The Job As Preacher

I’ve already told my husband how I felt, he’s not cut out as a preacher. He doesn’t schmooze with the other preachers, golfing, going to preacher get togethers where they gossip and talk about other preachers. He doesn’t keep a file of all the preachers that have double crossed him, or teaches error. He works besides preaching, which makes him an outcast, and lately he hasn’t been happy because no one shows up on time, :he has to fight to get his monthly support, he doesn’t do it for the money he does it because he likes it.

We can’t pay bills, we are behind on everything and its like we can never get ahead. He has a job lead, and its full time regular hours, with my money-life will finally be stable. I hopefully can start my business, and get my pet chinchilla I want.

I think auto parts is in his blood, his dad does it, he’s done it for 8 years, and if he can go back to doing it full time-which this job is, he won’t have to preach-and like I said I don’t think preaching is what he wants to do for the rest of his life. He said its lost its luster. I can tell, and it hurts me to see him unhappy. I want him happy and I think the only way he’s gonna be happy is if he’s out of preaching.

I didn’t marry him because he was a “preacher” as so many woman do. I married him for the man he was-and if he doesn’t want to preach I’m fine. I don’t wanna be the preachers wife forever if I don’t have to be-and I want my husband back, and my life before preaching took over his-and before he got depressed and stressed over everything.

I want us back, the bills to be paid, the car to be paid off, our life, everything back to normal. I will leave it in the Lords hands and hope it all work out. Prayer is wonderful, and we can climb this mountain too.

Speakethfreely

Struggling

I need some advice from someone older and smarter. Besides that, I’m struggling to be the best wife I can be for my husband.

Something has changed in my husband since J, wanted to speak to him privately after church services a couple weeks ago, about a blog I publicly posted on a Christian blogsite, about my stance on tattoos. J said that I’m in error and that if I do happen to get a tattoo then my hubbys fired. First I can’t get a tattoo right now, second I don’t want to right now. Besides that somehow (I am very naïve in some ways) I insinuated pornography on my social network site, by my picture that was similar to a playboy bunny-it wasn’t that…

I honestly feel like I’m walking on eggshells, Sunday J’s wife D came up to me and said my skirt was immodest-its white, knee length and the slip underneath is about an inch shorter than my knees, so I cannot wear it!! My mom (thanks mommy!) bought me a couple skirts yesterday (I went shopping on Memorial Day hehe) which are modest and so freakin cute! Anyway, besides that, tonight I worked 10 hours today I wrote something once again, about sitting poolside with a non alcoholic drink in hand with my hubby. My husband went off on me! Seriously! Its not like him to do that! He’s yelling at me (he never ever yells at me) saying I gotta be more careful yadda yadda ya and that if J hauls him into the back for a private conversation we’re done, not sure if it meant for us or church and it scares me.

He’s since apologized, but before I went in to work he said “maybe we need.to separate.” It scared me soooo bad, I mean he said he was tired and not feeling good, but does it mean he’s serious? I hope not-i don’t think so. When he got me from work and when we got home he didn’t want me to leave his side.

He’s stressed work cut his hours P his boss is on vacation and K the commercial manager only scheduled him 22 hours!!!! That knocks him out of getting full time status. The two guys at church who were supposed to take the service sunday night forgot! So hubby had to come up with something. He’s also worried about me, I’ve fallen again recently at least it was the hallway which is carpeted-i think I’m severely anemic, or its the other chronic illness, the treatment I’m on for it. He’s worried about me, but it seems like he cares more about covering his butt than supporting me.

All he cares about besides me is how people are gonna think or act about every minute detail! That and how bills are gonna get paid we’re so far behind on the electric we keep calling for an extension! I’m working but I got denied assistance for the treatment so once I go off of it I might be bed bound again! Its like so much stress, and we’re not allowed to have sex all that much, and hubby sees the bruises I get from falling and being a klutz he gets concerned people are gonna think he abuses me which is SO not true-hes a gentle giant.

I’m at a loss of what to do, I’m scared people are gonna find this blog-if they do so what but hubby won’t stop harping about being careful. If I ever mention on a christian blogsite that I was raped I’d get reamed for being a bad influence and that it was my fault-yep I’ve been told that by family members.

I just want my life and my husband back. I do miss my husband, the non stressed happy go lucky who cares husband. He’s so stressed I cant talk to him without him getting upset, which in turn makes ME upset which equals severe pain for me.

Please keep us in your prayers we’ve only been married 2 years, divorce is a sin, and there’s no way I want to separate, my parents don’t like my husband and I want this to work out. Help please, comments are appreciated!

Speakethfreely

erm, ahem….

Alright, just something to note-not to be mean or anything but if your on the home page looking through my blogs, at least leave a comment….is that too hard to ask? That way I know who you are…

Not like I’m gonna stalk you, I’ve had problems in the past from stalkers…..family members and people that “mean” well…so…future reference leave me a comment…pretty please and thank you

Speakethfreely